In this blog, I offer a brief overview of my perfectionism style and its roots. Together we will unravel and understand some of the life experiences complicit in shaping my adulthood, with the hope that you may also discover something about yourself or maybe better understand others.
Since I can remember, I faced difficulties in expressing myself and frequently prioritised others over my own needs. More recently, I noticed this pattern of behaviour creating a sense of discomfort and resentment. In revisiting my earlier childhood years, I now realise that some of these behavioural patterns may have emerged from the high expectations from family and some unhelpful parenting styles.
Growing up, I witnessed the tumultuous relationship between my parents, particularly my mother’s ongoing battle with depression. Our family’s financial limitations further exacerbated these challenges. As the youngest of the children, and with a significant age gap between my elder siblings, our relationship took on a more parent-child dynamic often endorsed by my mother. Additionally, cultural influences played a role in further distancing me from developing meaningful attachments within the family.
My elder brothers fell short of my parents’ expectations and left home early; this relegated me to the spotlight. My mother often confided in me about her worries and concerns, which, coupled with my father’s strict discipline, prevented me from forming a genuine emotional bond with either of them. Subconsciously, I began to internalise and shoulder their worries, gradually becoming hyper-independent and focusing on behaviours drawn to please them and alleviate their worries. However, this meant I lacked the protective cushion that parents typically provide. From a young age, I learned to suppress my feelings, fearing that I would disappoint or add to their distress.
As a child, I lacked a safe and secure base to express my emotions openly (usually found in parents). Instead, I became attuned to the reactions and behaviours of those around me, which I now understand as a form of adultification. The absence of protection from family and lacking an appropriate familial environment to display vulnerability hindered my ability to develop a healthy and confident self-identity. I interpreted that any affection or appreciation I received had to be earned, thus, further reinforcing this pattern. This negative self-talk and thought processes prevented me from forming genuine connections and attachments at home and in social settings. Consequently, my self-worth became contingent on people pleasing, peacekeeping, and persistently performing. These personal characteristics are often closely linked to a personality trait known as perfectionistic concerns. The need for external validation, often at the expense of an individual’s own well-being.
Individuals with high perfectionistic concerns often set unrealistic expectations, and persistently strive to exceed them. They lack meaningful learning and instead are driven by external motivations in contrast to self-development. They fear failure or under-achieving, and this becomes their drive to excessively and persistently push themselves to achieve results. These individuals can display behaviours that are detrimental to themselves, and other family members. For instance, allowing work tasks to get in the way of family time, or procrastinating often. Despite achieving their goals, individuals high in perfectionism remain unsatisfied and continue to push the goalposts further. Perfectionism although considered a desirable trait, is also associated with burnout, extreme mood swings, negative self-talk, and psychological distress in life.
However, understanding how one is affected and experiences perfectionism also offers insight into better managing the negative impacts. Research has proven successful results from cognitive reframing. That is, shifting mindsets away from seeking external validation to setting goals that resemble self-mastery and those that resonate with your true inner self.
