Every child is born with an innate need to belong and form meaningful relationships with others, and this feeling remains with us throughout our life. However, I have often found myself grappling with worries of betrayal, paranoia, lacking trust, and negative self-talk, which have unfortunately affected my past relationships. Until recently, as an adult, I began to ponder on the root cause of these behaviours. In this blog, I will delve into some of my childhood experiences that have likely contributed to what I now recognise as my disorganized attachment style.
Disorganised attachment arises when a child experiences a mix of care and fear from their mother. The mother is typically considered as a source of safety for the child, however, seeing the mother also as a source of fear creates confusion and distress, making it challenging for the child to develop a healthy attachment style. In disorganised attachment, the mother’s love and comfort are inconsistent, and her own negative experiences may lead her to display harsh and neglectful behaviours towards the child. Every child is born with an innate need to belong and form a bond with their primary caregiver. However, directly experiencing (the mother’s negative treatment towards self) or witnessing (the mother’s negative behaviours towards other) their caregiver’s abusive actions can instil feelings of distrust and fear in the child.
Reflecting on my childhood and the environment I was raised in; I now understand that my mother’s life was stricken with misfortune and unhappiness. At the young age of 16, she entered an arranged marriage that resulted in her relocating to a foreign country where she had no family or friends. The unfamiliar language and cultural differences only added to her struggles.
Growing up, I witnessed my parents embroiled in intense arguments spanning a wide range of issues, from financial difficulties to family conflicts. To escape the chaos, I would retreat to my room and engross myself in my studies. According to research, socioeconomic status is a stronger predictor of disorganised attachment than the child’s challenging temperament due to the financial stresses complicit in family vulnerabilities.
Throughout my life, I have witnessed my mother battling with depression and heavily relying on medication. Her frequent and prolonged mood swings and outbursts often left me to face a mother who was emotionally and physically unavailable. As a child, it is likely, that I interpreted her behaviours as a result of her unhappiness and mistreatment in the marriage. This likely led me to develop coping styles tuned to take on a protective role rather than those serving to fulfil my own needs as a child. I would go to great lengths to avoid afflicting any further distress and would strive excessively to meet her expectations and serve her needs to gain approval.
The underlying message I had embraced as a child was that seeking my mother’s approval and happiness often meant feeling unworthy of my own desires and needs, and often sacrificing them. I can now only assume that the overwhelming challenges in my mother’s life distracted her from providing a consistent and secure environment for me. However, despite her being seen as the source of fear and insecurity, as a child I still had to rely on her for support and protection. These distorted perceptions of the primary caregiver alternating between protective and fearful characteristics meant I lacked the appropriate start in my early years to confidently experiment and explore the outside world in the absence of a secure base (the mother’s protection and backing).
My mother’s approach to parenting is consistent with research that suggests mothers who have experienced hostile circumstances (such as stillbirth or bereavement) are likely to struggle with creating emotional and physical connection. Furthermore, the cultural and familial pressures placed on my mother meant that she prioritised maintaining a positive image in her relationships with others rather than meeting my needs as a child. Bessel van der Kolk also supports this perspective in his book “The Body Keeps the Score,” noting that mothers of children with disorganised attachment are often more concerned with portraying a highly admired and respected image in front of others, often at the cost of neglecting their own children.
Consequently, children who experience both comfort and apprehension from their primary caregiver are particularly vulnerable to misinterpreting external triggers and frequently overreact to seemingly harmless gestures from individuals. This is due to the conflicting messages they received during their childhood: receiving care on one hand, while feeling scared by the same source on the other. In turn, the brain develops coping mechanisms that fluctuate between extreme self-reliance (avoidant attachment) and excessive dependence (anxious attachment).
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) research shows children who are unprotected in early infancy have difficulties in regulating moods and emotional responses. These children are often observed as either aggressive or detached by the time they start school at age 3. Their caregiver experiences forming this kind of attachment style suggest these children are more exposed to psychiatric disorders. They also experience greater physiological stresses, expressed in heart rate and variability, mood swings, agitation, stress hormones and lower immune functionality. These factors are likely to remain into adulthood, and ultimately, this disorganised attachment style in adulthood is associated with diminished self-esteem, insecurities, trust issues, and even paranoia.
In adulthood, individuals with a disorganised attachment style often experience the spillage of their behaviors into their relationships. Despite their strong desire for deeper connections, they struggle to maintain healthy relationships due to their constant fear of rejection and trust issues. The negative self-talk they engage in leads them to believe that they are unworthy, resulting in overthinking and straining otherwise genuine relationships.
For many years, I pondered over my behaviors and questioned why I was skeptical of forming relationships and struggled in trusting others. I always had my guard up, and the simple answer to these inquiries is that I have struggled to truly trust anyone. However, my recent journey of self-discovery brought me back to my childhood experiences, and perhaps even beyond, although the pre-birth impact is a topic for another time. I held onto resentment towards my upbringing for a significant period of my adult life, feeling anger and sadness about my adverse childhood experiences. Nevertheless, realising that some of the difficulties were unintentional and that no parent desires to raise a damaged child offered some comfort. Approaching my past with a more informed lens has allowed me to gain a better understanding of how my upbringing has shaped the person I am today and has enabled me to find forgiveness. Ultimately, most mothers do not wish to raise a child with a fractured mind, unless they are not in their right state of mind. May peace be with everyone.
